Day 9: The Tower of London! Man who haven’t the British imprisoned and tortured? Interesting place. I had always been confused about how so much stuff could be going on in just one tower, but upon arriving, I realize that there are in fact multiple towers, as well as other buildings, a wall, and some grounds…but the Complex of London doesn’t sound as good I guess, so Tower it is. We see the crown jewels, but to tell you the truth, I’m not that fazed. You know what the crown jewels do? They sparkle. That’s it. And the fancy precious metals in which the jewels are laid? They shine. Now, back in the Middle Ages, it was impossible to get anything clean. You’d scrub and you’d scrub but then you’d realize you were using a clod of dirt to scrub with and you’d give up and go to a witch burning. So I understand how sparkling and shining might have been impressive, back in the day. But today everything shines, you can’t keep stuff from shining, we even have shiny pants (I mean, “we” in general, humanity, have shiny pants…I…I don’t have shiny pants), so the effect is overall less dazzling.
Other than the jewels, the Tower of London is most famous for being the place where anybody who is anybody in British history was imprisoned…Francis Bacon, Ann Boleyn, you name ‘em, the Tower Ravens were pecking at their eyes. The Tower of London was the place to be seen, torturewise. While we are here they host a Dramatic ReEnactment of a Scottish freedom-fighter declaiming boldly the injustice of his imprisonment and the opposite and overpowering justness of his cause and blah blah blah blah blah blah but then the fool comes out and eats fire and pretends to fall down all over the place, and that is hilarious.
The Tower of London also houses the Armory, a vast array of ways you’ve never even thought of being killed. Also a lot of armor, of different periods, including King Henry VIII’s suit. Big guy, was Hank. There is also an interesting exhibit about Guy Fawkes, the Catholic revolutionary (see terrorist) who got caught hiding under Parliament ready to blow it up and spark a Catholic coup d’etat. Interesting tidbit: it’s still illegal for the English monarch to be a Catholic or marry one. It’s weird that Mel Gibson hasn’t yet come to England and unleashed an unstoppable rain of holy fury on these people. You’re just asking for it, England. Change your evil ways or it’s only a matter of time until you’ve got to deal with Martin Riggs, and Murtaugh might not be around to protect your insolent asses. And Riggs has nothing to lose. |
