~ 11pm
So this is Christmas Eve. Growing up yet again. First time ever I am away from my family on this day. How long do we keep having these experiences - of being away from family... a deep ache, almost regret, the heartbreak of brekaing away. I'm not sure why I did this.
I sat on the beach earlier and cried beneath the coconut trees in the white sand, watching the crabs scuttle cautiously sideways in and out of their little burrows, and I wondered what the hell I am doing here, in Thailand, on Christmas, but most significantly, away from my family.
This is my Christmas Eve - citronella candles and crickets mixed with ocean waves. A rented beach bungalow, glowing poof fiberoptic lights, and a boyfriend, lying beside me, occasionally kissing me and running his fingers admiringly down my body.
Maybe I just had to do it. Just once, to prove that I could, to prove the world would not end if I was not home, if I broke tradition. So many traditions and cycles have been broken now, with my school cycle ending. Everything just seems wrong, maybe I figured, I might as well add another to the list?
Today I followed Abe into one of the most incredible experiences of my life... We went snorkelling. It was crazier than an acid trip. It was a completely different world, the underwater world of the ocean... All the rules are different. I float, but it seems I fly, and everything is in slow motion. We drifted over fields of brains (coral?) and saw so so many fish, all sizes, some irridescent and rainbow, some long, some flat on the bottom. The most insane and frightening and incredible and unlike anything else were the fields of coral and rocks with sea urchins floating tentacles that waved in the currents. I was IN the Monterey Bay Aquarium, but it was real. I felt so out of place. That is not my world. I know nothing of that. I was like an alien. I was frightened and thrilled, it made my heart beat so fast. And only could I have gone with Abe... we held hands through it and squeezed hands tightly... such a beautiful intimate experience - he and I alone in that whole strange new world. It was magical, really, as insane if not more than acid. One of the best of my life, really.
I think I'm really in love with Abe. He is so so incredibly beautiful lying next to me in this waving candlelight right now. I hear the wind rustling through the coconut trees and feel it riding in through our open windows... Tommorow I leave this physical paradise, oh I wish I could stay longer.
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